The new me

it definitely has been a while since i last posted...where do i even begin? this past year has been a learning experience for me. i have learned that really the only one you can truly trust and rely on is Jesus. He is always there for me when others have went their separate ways. it took some time to get over the hurt but i feel i have finally done that. i have a peace in my heart that i pray everyone may find that kind of peace and love one day. He has taken away my deep depression that i suffered through for years and opened numerous doors for me. i am now able to be a stay at home mommy/wife and i cherish the time that i have with them. i never realized how much i was missing by working constantly. yeah, i have to cut corners and we aren't able to buy the things we once did, but you can never get this time back. i realize that this may not be an option for many, but my advice would be that if any way it is possible~go for it! you won't regret it.

1 month down...

it has been almost 1 month since i stopped taking my medication for my depression. i have to say that this has been the best month ever. i feel more free and alive. i can laugh and i can cry when i want to. i've always been an emotional person so i cried over the drop of a hat. but now i can cry when i see fit. not when i was so over-whelmed that that was all that i could do. i feel like i have enjoyed my kids and my husband more. yes, of course, they can get on my nerves. but that is just life. i feel like i have accepted that. i don't let work get to me as much. i try to enjoy myself and surround myself with positive people. because i have decided that if you keep doing what you are doing, you are always going to get what you got. smile, it brings out your inner beauty!!

i'm climbing my way back up...

so, i have got to say that this has literally been the best 2 weeks thus far. i feel like i am almost me again. i can laugh and joke and have fun. it's amazing that when you finally decided that you are in charge, that you are going to take your life back one way or another, what a person has the strength to do. it feels so good to laugh again, to have that carefree feeling. i feel like my relationship with my husband and my kids is so much better. sure i am going to have some bad days i'm sure, but without the bad, how do you know that you have the good? i am making it an effort to continually to think positive. it is something that i struggle with but i know that i can do it. i have such a loving family and very supportive friends. with them, i can do anything. i really just can't fathom how someone can be around people that are constantly putting them down or are affecting how they live their day to day life. i want to help them but i am really not sure how to go about it. i just want to show them that there really are greener pastures out there. i just want to give back because someone really helped me. and honestly, this person was the last person that i though would be there...the ones that i thought would have been right there, wasn't....

I found this draft that I hadn't yet posted from a year ago...I've got to say that it is still true. I thank God for everything he's done and everything he's going to do :)

respect

this is a post that i had on facebook about 8 months ago: it speaks volumes...

This is just a little something I wrote a few days ago. I wasn't going to post it because I may "step on some toes". But a couple of my good friends told me to go ahead and do it. So here it goes: Respect--such a simple plain word but yet has such a a powerful meaning. It may not mean a lot to some, but it is all I long for. When you do a job well done, do you not want someone to give you that pat on the back? If you are in a leadership role, do you not expect RESPECT from your colleagues? Is it just me, or does this not happen as much as it should? Yeah, I've heard everything from: that's what you get paid for, it's your responsibility, why do you want to lead?, and why do more than what is expected?...the list could go on and on. Well here is your answers: Yes, I get paid to do my job but so do you? Yes, it is my responsibility to make sure things are done and are getting done the way I was TAUGHT to do. I want to lead because it is something that I feel I was given the gift to do. And up until now, I truly believed it but it is amazing what a few people can do to your self-esteem and self-worth. And yes, I do more than what is expected of me because that is who I am. I give 110% and I expect a little bit of recognition and respect for it. I've been told by even family members that I think I'm better than them. And you know what? If it means that I take pride in myself and I what I do then so be it. I am better. Everyone should have pride in what they do and what they accomplish. 20 years ago, this kind of thing wasn't an issue. I never heard my parents speak of their colleagues undermining someone in an authority position. There is a reason why positions such as these are given. Usually because those that are higher on the "ladder" do not have a clue about the day to day operations. They hand out positions to keep control of area they do not cover or know. But what is the point in taking the time, money, and resources into training a person and then not backing them up? If I was doing something wrong, first and foremost, I would expect to be told. Then I can see having their help to fix a problem. But why fix something that isn't broke? And why beat your leader down so much that they feel powerless and worthless? Haven't we already showed others that they don't have to listen or do whatever task just because they don't "like" to. Or that they have to RESPECT their leader. Funny, there is that word again. A military friend once told me- "it doesn't matter whether you liked the person or not;or wanted to do what they told you to do--you did it because you listened to and RESPECTED their authority". Wouldn't the world be a perfect place if this would happen now? But no, there always has to be atleast one person to rock the boat. In the past, I can think of a few who did the same thing but funny thing is--is that they are not here yet I still am. Go figure! Is my opinion not worth anything? I believe with almost 10 years of experience interviewing, hiring, training, and firing people my opinion would be worth a little more than what it is. But I guess not. I'm passed the anger and frustration but now am stuck at the loss of self-worth. When you are doing your "thing" from day to day and all is going well, then all of a sudden you get hit up-side the head by a MAC truck, you tend to second guess yourself. I have thought, prayed, cried, and yelled about what to do. And the only thing I can come up with is--wherever I am, I am going to demand RESPECT. Such a simple thing to give yet so hard to get... But by the grace of God, I am what I am. Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: Matthew 7:7 He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves there of are still. Psalms 107:29 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10

smiling on the inside

I can actually say for the first time in well, years, that I am actually smiling on the inside. It's actually really hard to say that. Because those of you that know me, would never have thought that I was really unhappy as what I was. I was one of those people who would just put on a brave face and just keep on truckin'. It's not like my life is all that bad. I made it much worse than it had to be. And I am here to tell you that first and foremost, you need to accept that you are having issues and second, be open to ideas from your family and friends.
Now I am trying to deal with the sorriness I have inside for being the way I was. I can't imagine how my husband and children dealt with me for all of these years. I couldn't even stand myself so I am sure they couldn't stand me either. I can actually laugh at things that I used to find amusing. For instance, my kids were playing outside yesterday and they were apparently trying to dig up a dog that the previous homeowners had buried...normally that would aggravate me. I just couldn't keep from laughing at them back there digging for this dog. It's the simple things in life that I no longer want to take for granted. You never know when your time is going to be up...
Live like there is no tomorrow! :)

was going through the motions...

so about a week ago, i went through somewhat of a nervous breakdown. it is no secret that i suffer from depression. i was just in such a place where i thought no one else could possibly understand what i was going through. i made a post and published it on facebook and i received so many comments from some of my friends that were of course going through the same trials and troubles. i was actually shocked at who commented...it wasn't who i thought would. but i guess that is how life is, you really never know what you are going to get. after some serious conversations with a woman that i respect deeply, i have come to the conclusion that it is only between me and God of how my life is. if i don't like how things are going, then change them. at one point in time, i would have thought that was easier said than done. now after of almost of a week without taking medication, i feel like i can truly FEEL what is going on. i feel ALIVE! i can laugh and truly feel happy. of course we are going to have those days when things just aren't going your way, but at this moment in time i actually think that i can make it though it. i don't know what finally did it to make things finally click. i really believe that you almost have to hit rock bottom before you can crawl your way back up. you have to really want it. and i have now accepted that i want this. i want to be happy. i want to enjoy my babies and my husband. i don't want them to have to walk on eggshells around me...just hoping that i am not having a bad day. i actually feel like i am smiling inside. not one of those smiles that make your cheeks hurt, but i am working on it. and for the first time in a long time, i really believe that i am going to make it. thank you to everyone who has been there for me whether it was just a hug or a text message. you all have helped me through...

praying for a miracle

My friend Karey had to go through a couple of long and agonizing tests this week. Since she found out she has breast cancer they also suspect that it is in her thyroid too. She has a mass that stretches from the side of her neck to the middle of her throat. She can actually feel it when she swallows. They had to do the biopsy on Wednesday to confirm their diagnosis. But what sucks is that along with that her right kidney is not functioning properly and she had to go through hours of testing on it. Trust me, by the details, no one would want to go through that any time soon. I just feel so helpless because there is absolutely nothing that I can do for her except pray and be there for her and her kids when needed. I just wish I could take away some of the anguish and fear she has inside. She is such a wonderful person. She does not deserve this at all.

lost and undone

well here it is...supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life. i have a great husband, 2 beautiful children, a job i actually enjoy, and now i am buying the house i always dreamed of.
i got a phone call...the first thing that was asked "are you sitting down?" you know that can't be good. i got a pit in my stomach and my heart and mind started to race with the thoughts of just horribleness.
my dear friend, karey, told me she has breast cancer. my heart just fell to the floor. i wanted to scream. i knew i couldn't because she was calling me to be her shoulder. what do you even say? it's just not fair. life is not fair. she doesn't know what to do next. do you lock yourself in a room and cry or scream and rant and rave? do you pull yourself together and be "strong"? what do you tell your kids? do you tell your kids? i didn't have any answers for her. me, the one that always has an answer and a plan, did not have a plan for this.
i just don't know what to say or even do. i am angry at the doctors who told her over a year ago that there was nothing wrong. i remember her coming to me and telling me she had discharge and that it just hurt and ached. she went to the doctor and because they didn't feel anything there they told her it was nothing. why are doctors like that? do they even care anymore about the patients, or just the paycheck?
what do i do now? she knows i am there for her but just "being there" is not enough in my mind. she has noone. she asked me not to sit around and worry about her. like i can do that. she is my friend. we have been through so much together in the short while that we have known each other.
as i sit here and see my cursor, the pink ribbon that i hold dear, i just want to scream and say why??? why her? why my granny? why my friend's mom? why my coworker's sister? cancer sucks!
i always thought it would be me. what am i saying? it could still be me one of these days. but why should a hard working, intelligent, single mom have to deal with this. if you only knew what she has already endured. no one person should have to deal with so much.
i just sit and stare at this computer, listening to my kids playing and arguing who is going to push "kitty" around in the stroller, and wonder why someone is chosen and not others. why her? why not me? why not you?
i just hope that one of these days i may know these answers....

best day ever...

well, today we celebrated Easter. and i have to say that today was one of the best days i have had in a long time. ciara and christian were so excited to see the baskets that the "Easter Bunny" brought them. then i took them to Sunday school which is always a blessing. after the service was over, they had an egg hunt outside. the kids had a blast. christian even won another basket from the church. when we got home we colored our eggs and then i made our traditional Easter pizza. i know you're thinking pizza??? well, when i was about 16, right before my mom and dad divorced, mom, me, and amy moved into this rinky dink little apartment (that we just absolutely loved by the way) we moved right before spring break so for our first Easter on our own, we couldn't afford the traditional ham and what not so my mom made us pizza. i have kept the tradition on because i feel it proves that you don't need a big dinner to bring family together...a pizza will do the trick. that is one of the few times that i remember my mom being actually happy. so anyways, after our picnic outside, we played and got real dirty. after adam got home, he let me take a nap while he watched the kids. then we went to the evening service and i have got to say was a blessing also. me and ciara colored with her new markers once we got home and it was just so fun. i can't describe the feeling that you get when you actually have one of those bonding moments with your children. tonight was definitely one of them. so now if i could just get sleepy i would be doing great. but you know what, after the perfect day i have had, i really don't think i could ask for more!!!!!

i have the most amazing man...

i must be the most blessed woman ever. my husband is the greatest in the whole wide world. we got to go out on a date last night (which are far and few between since of my 2 beautiful children), and i had the most incredible time. from going out to dinner and then seeing a movie and then getting ice cream which is my weakness, everything was just so great. he planned ahead and wrote me a love letter which he very slyly gave me at the restaurant telling me that he had planned a very romantic evening for me. he told me to look under my pillow when we got home. let's just say that he thought this out which is probably more special to me than the actual evening. it just shows that he loves me and tries every time to make our evenings together special. a year ago, i would have said that we were more like friends just living together instead of husband and wife. i have to say that things were pretty bad. i didn't care whether i even saw him much less spent the evening with him. he also felt the same. he has told me now that he had mentioned to his mom that he didn't know whether or not he could stick with me. i feel so bad that i made him that miserable. but i was pretty miserable myself. i just recently found journals that i had written years ago. i was just screaming out for help but noone listened. i am just so grateful to my bestest friend michele for helping me through and letting me know that there was nothing to be afraid of telling the doctor how i was feeling. i really feel that if it wasn't for her that my marriage may have been nonexistent now. i owe her so much! thank you michele for being there for me and being such an awesome friend!!!!

it's 4 am and i'm still awake...

once again i am awake bright and early in the morning. actually i haven't been to sleep yet. i have no clue why i can't sleep but i guess eventually it will come. now i am having one of those days where i am feeling sorry for myself i guess. i just hurt so bad and i feel so bad about myself. i feel like i am 50 and should be crippled up in a wheelchair and i feel like i weigh 200 pounds. i don't know...i just don't like myself today for some reason. you would think it would have been last week when i was pmsing but nope. it's almost like everything i have done recently just hasn't been good enough. for instance, like making out the schedule. i did the best i could but was informed that i was going sink. i can't help it that everyone needs a particular day off. i try to do everything the best of my ability but sometimes i seem to fall short of certain standards. yeah i know, i am just having a pity party but it is 4 am and i am still awake after not going to sleep yesterday until 5 am and i am entitled to it. i am just so tired and wore out, i just don't know when all of the chaos will end...

i just don't get it....

i really just don't get how people can say they are your friends but when you try to help them or do something for them they just push you away. maybe it is just me. i don't think i am too pushy. what is wrong with wanting to do something nice for a friend's birthday? i didn't think it was a crime. at least they can do is answer the phone and let me wish them a happy birthday. because i am sure down the road it will be mentioned that "noone" did anything for me on my birthday and i am going to have to get ticked off. don't get me wrong i love this girl to death and i am just pmsing but i just don't understand. i feel like they are just trying to push me away and i want to know why. maybe i wasn't there when i needed to be or i wasn't there enough but they of all people know i did the best i could to help and try to do everything i could to make things easier on them. i thought that's what friends were for....

Good news....

well i finally got some results today on my mri. nothing showed up on my head but they did find 1 bulging disc and 1 protruding disc in my back. they want me to see a neurosurgeon. i kind of figured that was going to happen. but it doesn't explain why i get so lightheaded and feel like my head is going to explode. i'm not giving up just yet. but it is so frustrating not to know and the fact that i may never know. when i tell doctors, they just look at me like i am either stupid or they don't have a clue what i am talking about. someone out there has to have the same problem as i do. hopefully one day i will find them...

hope there is nothing wrong...

well here it is. i have been to a few different doctors and so far none of them can figure out what is wrong with me. this is so scary. most think that because i am so young that there is nothing wrong. well i wouldn't be there if i didn't think something was going on. i recently has a mri on my brain and back and have not yet heard the results. it is so weird. in a way you hope they don't find anything because most likely that is bad, but on the other hand if they don't find anything then you are back at square one. in pain and dizzy with no reasons. i try not to let it bother me but sometimes it is so hard. i try to hold it together for my family. i don't want to let them know how worried this really makes me. you don't understand..i never sleep, i am in constant pain, and i lose my vision and feel like my head is going to explode for seconds at a time for no apparent reason. i am just scared that something may be seriously wrong. i try to stay positive but it is so hard when here i am at 2 am writing this blog b/c i can't sleep because i am hurting so bad. i just don't get it. hopefully i will find out something soon....

Hopefully I can say what I want without people getting upset...

well thanks to my best friend Michele I have found this site and hopefully on here I can say what I want without offending someone. I have a myspace and one day decided I had to vent about work. I didn't even mention where I worked but yet I got in trouble because I am not supposed to talk about the place outside of there. Now give me a break. If you don't talk about what upsets you it will just eat from the inside out. Trust me I know. My husband and I had a few rough years and honestly because of something stupid happenning on Myspace brought us back together. None of it would have even happenned if we just would have talked to each other. But after having kids, full times jobs, and no time for each other we just grew apart. But now that is all in the past. We have a better relationship now than ever before. Everyday he tells me how much he loves me and that he wishes he could do everything for me. And I know he knows that I feel the same. But anyways, just wanted to get started with this and hope that it helps relieve some stress that my cute hubby can't take care of. (bowchikabowwow)!!!!!