smiling on the inside

I can actually say for the first time in well, years, that I am actually smiling on the inside. It's actually really hard to say that. Because those of you that know me, would never have thought that I was really unhappy as what I was. I was one of those people who would just put on a brave face and just keep on truckin'. It's not like my life is all that bad. I made it much worse than it had to be. And I am here to tell you that first and foremost, you need to accept that you are having issues and second, be open to ideas from your family and friends.
Now I am trying to deal with the sorriness I have inside for being the way I was. I can't imagine how my husband and children dealt with me for all of these years. I couldn't even stand myself so I am sure they couldn't stand me either. I can actually laugh at things that I used to find amusing. For instance, my kids were playing outside yesterday and they were apparently trying to dig up a dog that the previous homeowners had buried...normally that would aggravate me. I just couldn't keep from laughing at them back there digging for this dog. It's the simple things in life that I no longer want to take for granted. You never know when your time is going to be up...
Live like there is no tomorrow! :)

was going through the motions...

so about a week ago, i went through somewhat of a nervous breakdown. it is no secret that i suffer from depression. i was just in such a place where i thought no one else could possibly understand what i was going through. i made a post and published it on facebook and i received so many comments from some of my friends that were of course going through the same trials and troubles. i was actually shocked at who commented...it wasn't who i thought would. but i guess that is how life is, you really never know what you are going to get. after some serious conversations with a woman that i respect deeply, i have come to the conclusion that it is only between me and God of how my life is. if i don't like how things are going, then change them. at one point in time, i would have thought that was easier said than done. now after of almost of a week without taking medication, i feel like i can truly FEEL what is going on. i feel ALIVE! i can laugh and truly feel happy. of course we are going to have those days when things just aren't going your way, but at this moment in time i actually think that i can make it though it. i don't know what finally did it to make things finally click. i really believe that you almost have to hit rock bottom before you can crawl your way back up. you have to really want it. and i have now accepted that i want this. i want to be happy. i want to enjoy my babies and my husband. i don't want them to have to walk on eggshells around me...just hoping that i am not having a bad day. i actually feel like i am smiling inside. not one of those smiles that make your cheeks hurt, but i am working on it. and for the first time in a long time, i really believe that i am going to make it. thank you to everyone who has been there for me whether it was just a hug or a text message. you all have helped me through...

praying for a miracle

My friend Karey had to go through a couple of long and agonizing tests this week. Since she found out she has breast cancer they also suspect that it is in her thyroid too. She has a mass that stretches from the side of her neck to the middle of her throat. She can actually feel it when she swallows. They had to do the biopsy on Wednesday to confirm their diagnosis. But what sucks is that along with that her right kidney is not functioning properly and she had to go through hours of testing on it. Trust me, by the details, no one would want to go through that any time soon. I just feel so helpless because there is absolutely nothing that I can do for her except pray and be there for her and her kids when needed. I just wish I could take away some of the anguish and fear she has inside. She is such a wonderful person. She does not deserve this at all.

lost and undone

well here it is...supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life. i have a great husband, 2 beautiful children, a job i actually enjoy, and now i am buying the house i always dreamed of.
i got a phone call...the first thing that was asked "are you sitting down?" you know that can't be good. i got a pit in my stomach and my heart and mind started to race with the thoughts of just horribleness.
my dear friend, karey, told me she has breast cancer. my heart just fell to the floor. i wanted to scream. i knew i couldn't because she was calling me to be her shoulder. what do you even say? it's just not fair. life is not fair. she doesn't know what to do next. do you lock yourself in a room and cry or scream and rant and rave? do you pull yourself together and be "strong"? what do you tell your kids? do you tell your kids? i didn't have any answers for her. me, the one that always has an answer and a plan, did not have a plan for this.
i just don't know what to say or even do. i am angry at the doctors who told her over a year ago that there was nothing wrong. i remember her coming to me and telling me she had discharge and that it just hurt and ached. she went to the doctor and because they didn't feel anything there they told her it was nothing. why are doctors like that? do they even care anymore about the patients, or just the paycheck?
what do i do now? she knows i am there for her but just "being there" is not enough in my mind. she has noone. she asked me not to sit around and worry about her. like i can do that. she is my friend. we have been through so much together in the short while that we have known each other.
as i sit here and see my cursor, the pink ribbon that i hold dear, i just want to scream and say why??? why her? why my granny? why my friend's mom? why my coworker's sister? cancer sucks!
i always thought it would be me. what am i saying? it could still be me one of these days. but why should a hard working, intelligent, single mom have to deal with this. if you only knew what she has already endured. no one person should have to deal with so much.
i just sit and stare at this computer, listening to my kids playing and arguing who is going to push "kitty" around in the stroller, and wonder why someone is chosen and not others. why her? why not me? why not you?
i just hope that one of these days i may know these answers....

best day ever...

well, today we celebrated Easter. and i have to say that today was one of the best days i have had in a long time. ciara and christian were so excited to see the baskets that the "Easter Bunny" brought them. then i took them to Sunday school which is always a blessing. after the service was over, they had an egg hunt outside. the kids had a blast. christian even won another basket from the church. when we got home we colored our eggs and then i made our traditional Easter pizza. i know you're thinking pizza??? well, when i was about 16, right before my mom and dad divorced, mom, me, and amy moved into this rinky dink little apartment (that we just absolutely loved by the way) we moved right before spring break so for our first Easter on our own, we couldn't afford the traditional ham and what not so my mom made us pizza. i have kept the tradition on because i feel it proves that you don't need a big dinner to bring family together...a pizza will do the trick. that is one of the few times that i remember my mom being actually happy. so anyways, after our picnic outside, we played and got real dirty. after adam got home, he let me take a nap while he watched the kids. then we went to the evening service and i have got to say was a blessing also. me and ciara colored with her new markers once we got home and it was just so fun. i can't describe the feeling that you get when you actually have one of those bonding moments with your children. tonight was definitely one of them. so now if i could just get sleepy i would be doing great. but you know what, after the perfect day i have had, i really don't think i could ask for more!!!!!

i have the most amazing man...

i must be the most blessed woman ever. my husband is the greatest in the whole wide world. we got to go out on a date last night (which are far and few between since of my 2 beautiful children), and i had the most incredible time. from going out to dinner and then seeing a movie and then getting ice cream which is my weakness, everything was just so great. he planned ahead and wrote me a love letter which he very slyly gave me at the restaurant telling me that he had planned a very romantic evening for me. he told me to look under my pillow when we got home. let's just say that he thought this out which is probably more special to me than the actual evening. it just shows that he loves me and tries every time to make our evenings together special. a year ago, i would have said that we were more like friends just living together instead of husband and wife. i have to say that things were pretty bad. i didn't care whether i even saw him much less spent the evening with him. he also felt the same. he has told me now that he had mentioned to his mom that he didn't know whether or not he could stick with me. i feel so bad that i made him that miserable. but i was pretty miserable myself. i just recently found journals that i had written years ago. i was just screaming out for help but noone listened. i am just so grateful to my bestest friend michele for helping me through and letting me know that there was nothing to be afraid of telling the doctor how i was feeling. i really feel that if it wasn't for her that my marriage may have been nonexistent now. i owe her so much! thank you michele for being there for me and being such an awesome friend!!!!

it's 4 am and i'm still awake...

once again i am awake bright and early in the morning. actually i haven't been to sleep yet. i have no clue why i can't sleep but i guess eventually it will come. now i am having one of those days where i am feeling sorry for myself i guess. i just hurt so bad and i feel so bad about myself. i feel like i am 50 and should be crippled up in a wheelchair and i feel like i weigh 200 pounds. i don't know...i just don't like myself today for some reason. you would think it would have been last week when i was pmsing but nope. it's almost like everything i have done recently just hasn't been good enough. for instance, like making out the schedule. i did the best i could but was informed that i was going sink. i can't help it that everyone needs a particular day off. i try to do everything the best of my ability but sometimes i seem to fall short of certain standards. yeah i know, i am just having a pity party but it is 4 am and i am still awake after not going to sleep yesterday until 5 am and i am entitled to it. i am just so tired and wore out, i just don't know when all of the chaos will end...