praying for a miracle

My friend Karey had to go through a couple of long and agonizing tests this week. Since she found out she has breast cancer they also suspect that it is in her thyroid too. She has a mass that stretches from the side of her neck to the middle of her throat. She can actually feel it when she swallows. They had to do the biopsy on Wednesday to confirm their diagnosis. But what sucks is that along with that her right kidney is not functioning properly and she had to go through hours of testing on it. Trust me, by the details, no one would want to go through that any time soon. I just feel so helpless because there is absolutely nothing that I can do for her except pray and be there for her and her kids when needed. I just wish I could take away some of the anguish and fear she has inside. She is such a wonderful person. She does not deserve this at all.

lost and undone

well here it is...supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life. i have a great husband, 2 beautiful children, a job i actually enjoy, and now i am buying the house i always dreamed of.
i got a phone call...the first thing that was asked "are you sitting down?" you know that can't be good. i got a pit in my stomach and my heart and mind started to race with the thoughts of just horribleness.
my dear friend, karey, told me she has breast cancer. my heart just fell to the floor. i wanted to scream. i knew i couldn't because she was calling me to be her shoulder. what do you even say? it's just not fair. life is not fair. she doesn't know what to do next. do you lock yourself in a room and cry or scream and rant and rave? do you pull yourself together and be "strong"? what do you tell your kids? do you tell your kids? i didn't have any answers for her. me, the one that always has an answer and a plan, did not have a plan for this.
i just don't know what to say or even do. i am angry at the doctors who told her over a year ago that there was nothing wrong. i remember her coming to me and telling me she had discharge and that it just hurt and ached. she went to the doctor and because they didn't feel anything there they told her it was nothing. why are doctors like that? do they even care anymore about the patients, or just the paycheck?
what do i do now? she knows i am there for her but just "being there" is not enough in my mind. she has noone. she asked me not to sit around and worry about her. like i can do that. she is my friend. we have been through so much together in the short while that we have known each other.
as i sit here and see my cursor, the pink ribbon that i hold dear, i just want to scream and say why??? why her? why my granny? why my friend's mom? why my coworker's sister? cancer sucks!
i always thought it would be me. what am i saying? it could still be me one of these days. but why should a hard working, intelligent, single mom have to deal with this. if you only knew what she has already endured. no one person should have to deal with so much.
i just sit and stare at this computer, listening to my kids playing and arguing who is going to push "kitty" around in the stroller, and wonder why someone is chosen and not others. why her? why not me? why not you?
i just hope that one of these days i may know these answers....